I apologise if this post appears to be theology. It’s not. Not exactly. It’s just a rough and tumble paraphrase of the rhetoric of the Augsburg Confession.

Dear Emperor,

Seeing as you’ve taken upon yourself to defend the one true catholic faith and church in your realm, and we too are zealously committed to maintaining this outward unity of the faith (AC, Preface) we’d just like to affirm that, for our part, all this “reforming” stuff we are doing is hunky-dory and completely in accord with respect to Scriptures, the tradition of the Church of Rome, and Canon Law, to which we are appealing, the authorities to which we ourselves readily and happily submit. We believe all that doctrinal stuff that is taught by Scripture and tradition, and serves as a norm for ecclesiastical faith and law. (AC 1 through 21).

Sure, we may have fixed a few things here and there but nothing out of line with respect to the above. In fact, quite the opposite. So, in order to clarify the matters permit us briefly to address them. We’ve only just tried to amend certain modern innovations which many find unconscionable. We have done this out of fidelity to the true intention of the Canons. (AC 21.5-10ff) For example, we commune in both kinds out of fidelity to the Scriptures, the tradition of the Church of Rome and Canon Law. (AC 22.1ff) Out of fidelity to the same do we in our jurisidictions permit priests to marry. (AC 23 11.ff ) We think it is kind of scandalous to sell votive Masses to witless dupes for personal gain because this just seems wrong and those who do may very well be contravening Canon Law. (AC 24.10)  We don’t like to see the holy Mass disabused in such a manner. In fact, we love the Mass. That’s why we celebrate it every holy day and on all the Feast days. (AC 24.34)  So you see, our respect for the tradition of the Church and the Canons is great. That is why we zealously maintain the practice of Confession. (AC 25.1) We just think it’s a bit of overkill to expect people to remember every sin they’ve committed. Because people sin a lot and it’s easy to forget things. We have some divergent practices with respect to the discipline of Fasting. It’s been sending the wrong message in some quarters. We were worried that some people might get the wrong idea. But don’t think the changes in our practice are a barrier to the unity of the Catholic Faith and Church (AC 26.1ff) Now you’ve probably heard some rumours that we’ve been meddling in the affairs of the monastic orders and the matter of monastic vows. We just want to assure you that any changes we’ve made have been done to bring contemporary practice in line with existing Canon Law. We think it is scandalous how the authority of the Canons has been completely ignored in these matters. (AC 27.1ff) You may have also heard we’ve had some run-ins with a few bishops and have acted against their authority. We have only done so in instances clearly warranted by Scripture, the tradition of the Church and Canon Law. (AC 28.23ff) Quite obviously, on account of our love for Scripture, tradition and the canons we desire the continued oversight of the bishops in the church, so long as such oversight does not offend against Scripture, tradition and the intent of the canons. (AC 28.78)

Thanks for hearing us out dear Emperor. Yours truly, your feudal princes and subjects.


About J. Rhombohedral Hematite

Not a Theoblogger. Nota bene.
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One Response to LULZ

  1. John H says:

    Sounds fair enough. What could possibly go wrong?

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